Compensating

Everyone compensates sometimes and usually there is nothing wrong with that. If you don't feel so good, you compensate by eating a snack or if you are bored by watching silly movies, etc. If you do that once in a while it is a harmless way to comfort yourself a little or entertain yourself somewhat. But if you often compensate for feelings of insecurity, loneliness, sadness, boredom, inferiority or frustration etc. it becomes a different story.

It is a natural response to try to compensate for an imbalance, lack or deficit. And if you really lack something you need, you have little choice but to try to compensate for that. For example, if you cannot see very well, you compensate with glasses or if you are not very strong, you try to compensate by being smart. But if you start compensating a feeling of shame or insecurity etc. with money, status, looks or image it is less innocent and you become (somewhat) dependent on affirmation, appreciation & approval.

Compensatory behavior

People develop a lot of qualities to compensate for something they (think they) lack. For example, if you used to feel unsafe or you felt insecure about your intelligence, appearance, social role or value, you may have developed a talent to compensate for this and as a result became very funny, smart, (head)strong, charming, empathetic, helpful, industrious, sweet, tough or socially intelligent, etc. - which made you more independent & stronger.

But the stronger the underlying negative feeling is, the more positive compensatory behavior turns into negative dependency, as happens when the compensations don't really reduce the feeling of insecurity or insecurity in the long run, but rather perpetuate or even reinforce them. This happens, e.g., when you try to compensate for an unpleasant feeling with attention, affirmation or appreciation and become more insecure as a result. Or if you snack or binge a lot or drink, gamble or do drugs to feel better and in the end you feel worse - and not only about yourself.

But also when you compensate negatively by being submissive, aloof, introverted or dominant, assertive, controlling or even very egotistical, manipulative, mean, aggressive or sneaky, it makes you feel less good in the end - and possibly a lot of other people as well. Often this causes many problems with your environment which can create a negative spiral that makes the behavior become more and more ingrained & “normal” - when it is not.

Compensating for difficult feelings

If you haven't learned to deal with difficult feelings properly, you may be used to automatically trying to suppress, avoid, numb or somehow compensate for such a feeling - be it sadness, boredom, fear, loneliness, insecurity, insecurity, inferiority, frustration or anger. But if you don't learn to deal with such feelings, you will have to keep compensating endlessly - without really solving anything.

Often even the opposite, because those suppressed feelings produce negative, sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, insecure thoughts, which in turn produce difficult feelings etc. You can become increasingly entangled in this and as a result become more ashamed of yourself & your feelings - and try to hide them for example behind an image or a facade. But behind that wall it only gets lonelier, and you didn't feel good to start with already - which can make compensating seem more and more a necessity.

The trap of compensating

You can (unknowingly) fall into a painful trap and keep trying to compensate for your negative feelings with snacking or binging, with shopping or clothes, with appreciation or recognition, with scrolling or zapping, with money or possessions, with affirmation or approval, with booze or drugs, with success or status, with hard work or partying, with applause or admiration - without it really working well and without you actually being able to enjoy it truly.

Because no matter how many great compensations are at your disposal, no matter how many cookies, chocolates & snacks you nibble on, no matter how many drinks or pills you swallow, no matter how many movies, apps, projects & distractions you have, no matter how much status, appreciation or applause you get, no matter how much money & possessions you accumulate, deep down inside you're not really going to feel better. Because if you don't feel good about yourself internally, external compensations won't help much, if at all.

Dependency

You usually feel only very temporarily a little better when you compensate, and in the meantime, in order to feel good, relax or gain a little self-confidence, you become (somewhat) dependent - on other people, on attention, affirmation or appreciation or on food, drink or drugs or on stuff, status, looks or money. And the more you need compensations to feel (somewhat) good, the more dependent you are - and the bigger the hangover usually will be.

Because if you've really develop a dependency, you're not only dealing with those difficult feelings, but also with all the things you have to do to compensate for them. If you can no longer do (well) without drink, drugs or medication, status, lots of money or cleanliness, expensive clothes, makeup or good looks, appreciation or approval, your phone or other distractions etc., you have become (somewhat) addicted and that often has many direct & indirect negative consequences.

Tackling the causes

If you compensate a lot, (unconscious) feelings of insecurity, fear, boredom, frustration, inferiority, anger, loneliness, sadness or insecurity continue to determine your life, work & relationships (unnoticed). Compensatory behavior often causes more problems in turn, making you feel even worse. It makes you feel (unnoticed) more alienated from yourself & other people and you may even (somewhat) lose yourself - and that is really sad & painful.

It is therefore important to become aware & learn to address the causes of your compensatory behavior. That means developing your insight & learning practical tools to deal with yourself, your feelings & other people in a better & wiser way. By learning new skills you can break through the negative spiral and change your undermining patterns & dysfunctional behavior. So that you no longer have to compensate for your feelings - and you can start enjoying yourself more (again).

Centrumpraktijk Haarlem
Email: info@centrumpraktijk.nl
Phone: +31 616 44 43 44

Unconscious strategies ...

Self-confidence ...